Hi Steve
Alcohol made me into a guy I didn't much admire either...I lied, cheated, sneaked about trying to keep it secret, acted amorally, avoided responsibility, put other people in danger, let people down....felt bad and guilty and shameful and filled with self loathing...and kept right on drinking.
I'm finally on my way to becoming the man I want to be - but I had to leave booze behind to start the journey.
There's a lot of people here who know exactly how you feel and where you are - the first step is to admit defeat and draw a line under your drinking days.
One day at a time. It's not an easy journey but you're not alone...but I think you know that already
welcome to ya Steve
D