mmeat

Hi everyone. Somewhat new here....been lurking for the last 3 or 4 weeks, reading almost everyday on the Alchoholism and newcomers threads.
I'm so glad to see that there are people like me out there!!! I'm still drinking, but seeing all the posts is strengthening my resolve to stop. A little history for me is that I"m 32 and have an alcoholic father that has not drank in 10 years. On moms side is alot of alcoholism as well.
I have been drinking steadily for at least 15 years now, and lately it seems to be getting worse and worse. I don't know what the hell it is with alcohol, but I have no control over it. I crave it. There is a freaking voice in my head that screams at me all day long how good it will be once I get a few " rockets" into me.....
I have 3 amazing kids....all under 9 yrs old....and every Saturday my wife goes to work early, and I have to take care of them all day. The only problem is that for some screwed up reason, when Friday hits...I have this massive urge to hit the beer store, and grab an 8 or 12 pack of strong beer and then proceed to get drunk. Usually while watching a family movie with the kids. Then after they go to bed, I finish every last beer until I'm drunk and stupid.....hit the bed, and then wake up feeling crappy.
So of course for the rest of the next day, I'm cranky and short tempered and wish I was a better father. I try my best though........
I'm getting desperate. This week sucked. Every Sunday night I vow that this new week will be different and that I'm going to stop drinking. Well I lasted till Tuesday. Man oh man. I went to the gym that night....the wife was very proud of me. What did I do? I rushed through the workout, so I could go next door to the beer store so I could grap a few cans of tall boys........as a reward. Then drank them all while driving around.....tilll they were gone, got some gum then went home and got ready for bed. Kissing my wife goodnight, she says " I smell beer!?" I blamed it on the gum and it worked.
Then on Thursday an old army buddy of mine came to town and was pressuring me to come out drinkin. All day I texted him that it was a work night...and that I can't come out. I gave in. I know it was simply because it would be a good excuse to get beer into me. Anyhow I drove to the bar and only planned on having a couple.
Well.....my couple ended up being about 8. And I drove myself home. I hate to admit it. I hate myself. I dont remember most of the drive except driving past the cops....and hitting the brakes cause I was scared......and they never came after me.......even though I was speeding.
When I passed out....it was around 3am, and I was up for 530......for work....still drunk. OMG.....I was still drunk at work and then the hangover came.......the guilt.....the shame.....the anxiety.......
All day people kept asking me what was wrong with me. I blamed it on the kids getting up at night...sick. I'm sick
I'm tired of this crap. I want to feel in control again...... I am on my 8th and last beer tonight but for some reason I barely have a buzz. I hope I pass out good and not with stress.
****** thing is that I'm one of the luckiest guys I know...a beautiful wife...and 3 really cool kiddies.........
My oldest (9)....has been commenting lately on the amount of times I go to the beer store.......even in the lineup....she'll comment on how much of the "pop" I love.......and ask me how I can drink so much of it....??
I know I'm rambling.......but this truly is theraputic to type it all out for the world to see!
I truly love beer.......I love the feeling of warmth.....the rush of confidence......and I hate it too. I hate what I've become.
Thanks for listening guys.
Steve