Hey coming clean. You mentioned a lot of things in your post there that jumped out at me.
You sound like you are only now 100% admitting that you are an alcoholic/addict. That is esential to have any chance of sobriety and that's probably why you failed again as you didn't truly have that acceptance.
Also you mention that you feel jealousy towards non alcoholics/addicts as they can do what you can't, I am actually grateful now for admitting 100% that I am an alcoholic/addict and I think that untill you get that gratitude then sobriety will not last.
Also you sound like you are projecting too much ie- thinking about how everyone else is having a good time but you aren't. I used to do that a lot too and it gave me an excuse to go and get wasted and have " a good time", only most people's lives don't fall to pieces as a result but mine does/did.
I recognise all this as this is how I used to think/feel about my drinking/drug taking.
I think it is true what is said about only being able to stop when you exhaust all possibilities. I think I only reached the stage where i am at now once 1 drink turned into 3 day constant blackout binges with pretty bad withdrawal/consequences. I also hit that "moment of clarity" what they all go about where i literally saw my future in a haze of booze and drug withdrawal and i didn't like what i saw. I Knew I had to commit 100% to total abstinance from booze or face a certain death or prison sentence within the next few years. I literally would like nothing more than to drink myself to death in a crazy kind of way and i realised i had to stop or die basically.
You will stop when only you are truly ready. Are you ready?
Peace and love xxx