Lingering hopelessness
I am feeling inexplicably hopeless and scared today. Inexplicable, as in I don’t know why….
Could be the weather, and the season? It’s raining again; and it seems like October always causes me trouble. They say the shorter days can cause seasonal disorder. Nothing seems to bring me joy….
I spend my days at work somewhat isolated with very little human interaction. The tasks have become routine and boring. However, it is secure and stable; and the pay and benefits are good (far outweigh anything else I could find). So, I feel somewhat stuck….
And, last week I decided to move to reduce my commute. So, I am looking to buy a house. I am excited and scared…. I don’t want to feel trapped by a house payment. On the other hand; decorating, gardening, and landscaping are all things which have always given my pleasure and a sense of accomplishment.
Although none of those things seems to be worthwhile if I am alone…. And I feel very alone. I can’t seem to initiate or maintain friendships? I would like to believe that it is because I live so far from everyone, that makes it hard to socialize. I want to believe that moving will help…. But I am afraid that it won’t.
My daughter (age 15) lives with me. She is a delight in every way. She is excited about moving, too; although it will move her farther away from her friends. I hope it doesn’t make things rough for her…. That she doesn’t become withdrawn and isolated when she can’t go next door or down the block to see her friends. She will be able to continue at the same school, so I tell myself it won’t disrupt things too much for her.
And last but not least, my boyfriend…. He lives with me. I am not moving for him, but maybe I moved the timing up because of him. I am feeling less sure about the relationship; but I don’t know if that’s because the “newness” is wearing off, maybe I am overly-anxious with a “mood disorder”, maybe I’m trying so hard not to take on his problems that I am sabotaging the relationship, or maybe he’s just not the right guy? Every day I resolve to deal with only that day (not “forever”) – and realize that this day is better with him in it than without him in it. I wonder if I will ever really feel comfortable and secure.
Just venting a bit, on a cold and dreary day……