I went to my therapy session today and told him that I was pissed at God, or pissed that I couldn't find God, or that I didn't know what God meant to me. And then I had an ahh ha moment.
I was raised with a Baptist God, the God fearing Gods of all Gods (in my opinion). I now know that I don't have to believe in a religious God, the man made God but the God that I know is out there. The loving God.
Another thing, my childhood has a lot to do with me not being able to turn my will over to God. Because as a child I depended on my will, I was the one that got me through hard times, I am the one who taught me what I learned, I am the one who stood up for me and Mom. I was the mother and she was the child and my will is all I had and all I knew.
So now I am supposed to turn all that over to God? And trust that he will do good with it for me, for my life? That is going to be hard to do. How in the hell am I supposed to do that.
Well he says I need to pray a little prayer everyday, and I agree! Just a small prayer which goes a little like this.....God help me stay sober today. And then at night I pray....God thank you for keeping me sober today. I think if I do this it will eventually come, that connection with God that I am longing for.
I told him, I just want to feel something. He said.....you addict you. I laughed my ass off. How funny is it that me and addict would want instant gradification and feel something. Boy did that open my eyes.
Thank God for my counselor, this man knows what the hell he is talking about.