Hi, I remember feeling like you do over the past couple of years of being off and on the sobriety wagon merry-go-round. The difference with me now is that my Psyche has changed from what it used to be. That is the key. I no-longer "think" like I used to do after much research, reading, listening, soul-searching and more than that far too much pain and suffering.
Have you accepted 100% in your deepest parts of your mind that you are an alcoholic? You must surely know that there is no such thing as "a glass of wine". That is laughable... I wouldn't ever want a glass of wine but enough to get me totally drunk just how I like it because I am a drunk!!
I used to feel that it was my right to be able to drink because I hadn't reached that stage of "acceptance"; of my own alcoholism and that most people aren't alcoholics like me. I no-longer feel resentment that I don't drink rather somewhat of a blessing as drink was destroying me and everything in my life. Rather than looking what drink would give me (which frankly is nothing but pain, suffering and total calamity) I now think of what drink would strip me of... The list is extremely long.
I think you are making the mistake also of not keeping your thoughts "in the day/moment". you are projecting and thinking into the future, I also used to do that. Try to think of it like booze will always be there to be drunk but just for today you will abstain. Works well and each time you get through a rough-patch, like you are having now, you come out feeling much more positive and stronger, because the bottom line is that you never will regret not drinking. Think how you will feel after that "glass of wine", I know I would be straight out the door to go and get some more as I wouldn't be feeling good but rather back to square one again and running away from the present and the fact that I have drank again by drinking more to forget about it.
I am in no way preaching or anything, I felt like you felt more times than I can remember over the last few years and of course I drank but in the end I reached the stage where I just couldn't do it to myself anymore, I didn't want to be a drunk.
All the best xxxxx