Welcome to SR xenodamus, let me tell you as you have already seen............ YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!
I spent may a year riding with the 4 hideous horsemen, Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, & Despair! I too have had the same thoughts as you, but even though I did not want to continue to live the life I was living, I did not want to die either.
I reached a poiint of total hopelessness, I had no idea of where to turn, I called a drug and alcohol hotline. They set me up with a doctors appointment. I told the doctor the WHOLE truth about my drinking, he told me if I wanted a chance at getting sober safely I needed to be medically detoxed.
In detox they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.
Well I was willing to do what ever it took to stay sober, so I fololwed thier suggestions. In the program of AA, the 12 steps of AA and the fellowship of AA I found a solution!
The solution I found was not just for my alcoholism, but life in general! If I apply the principles I learned in taking the 12 steps of AA daily I live life on lifes terms and the thought of a drink remains lifted from me.
Give it a try, what do you have to lose? Hey check out 90 meetings in 90 days and getting a sponsor and taking the steps..... If you don't like it you have lost nothing and gained a whole lot of money by not spending it on booze!