A big thank you to you guys for your support, it means a lot.
Originally Posted by
stone 
It is the wanting to "fix" isn't it? Pretty normal reaction to want the best for your son.
My need to "fix" things is overpowering at times - exhausting. Thanks to what I have learnt on SR, when I feel this strongly I work hard to take a step back and think "Am I acting for my son or for me?" If I find that I am trying to control things to make myself feel better, I stop, reassess the situation and change my behaviour and outlook to one that puts the practical needs of my son first.
Originally Posted by
grewupinabarn Iwanttoheal
You have also done something caregivers have a hard time with, which is to ask how one care's for one's own self and sanity. This is really important for ACOA's, since there is nothing quite so attractive and dangerous as having someone dependent on you, someone you think you can manage.
Again I have to thank what I have learnt here on SR. I have learnt that I have a potentially unhealthy relationship on my hands (similar to an alcoholic and their enabler) where if I am not careful, my son and I will become unhealthily enmeshed.
Oh yes, isn't it just attractive, alll my ACOA buttons are being pushed big style - all my instincts are screaming, I KNOW this role.
To counteract this, I am teaching myself to think - am I enabling my son to become dependent or independent. Anything that he needs me to do eg banking or making appointments, we are working on one step at a time with the aim of him eventually doing it independently.
Originally Posted by
PoetryandHums
Something that sometimes helps me when I get into that ACOA trap of thinking about how people or situations are totally dependent on me, or I'm solely responsible for something overwhelming is to visualize my "team." For example, the parent support groups that you attend are definitely part of your team! Are there others who do/can help you with advocacy, or exploring your options, or caring for your son? Alternately, I sometimes make lists of what parts of a situation aren't my responsibility--what (it doesn't matter how small) can you pass to him or to others?
This is a trap that I walk very easily into - thinking that I am solely responsible and then feeling overwhelmed. I can relate to this +++.
I posted that I am my son's only advocate - that is not true, I may be his main advocate but I am not his only advocate and yes, I am far too willing to take on his and other's responsibilities.
Thankyou PoetryandHums - these are two really practical strategies that I can see myself using.
That's why I post here - you guys are all part of my team who give me healthy advice and support :ghug2
I will say again - the biggest lesson that I have learnt from SR is not to look to my alcoholic family of origin for support - and it works keeping your distance from unhealthy people, it keeps you strong and allows you to focus your energy where it is most needed. I can't recommend it enough!
If I had looked to them for support - it would have been back on the merry-go-round of denial (your son hasn't got a problem), blame (it's all your fault) and manipulation (your son is fine, stop worrying about him, what you need to be sorting out is your brother's alcoholism).
But I've stayed away from the merry-go-round and I am not missing it - not one little bit.
Hope everyone is keeping well, IWTHxxx