The Morning After
I keep telling myself it's a selfish choice. Sure, ending your life may end YOUR pain. What about everyone else, though? Can you imagine what you would put your entire family through? Honestly, that's the only reason I'm still alive today. I've had these internal discussions with myself too many times to count. Do you want to know what has brought me to this point? Do you want to know what could make a person feel so helpless that they see death as their only release....their only escape? Alcohol. I know exactly what's going to happen before I ever open the bottle. But I do it anyway. Why? Why do I continue to do this to myself? How do I continually go from the way I feel now right back to the bottle that caused it thinking I can play with fire and not get burned?
Hmmm...I suppose my real problem is not life after all......do I really feel like the only way I can stop alcohol from ruining my life is to end it myself? What sense does that make? Oh my god. I just want it to stop. I just want the cycle to end. I just want to stop feeling this way. I know I sound rediculous. I have no idea who will read this but you must be thinking, "Is he really ready to shoot himself because he has a hangover?". Basically....yeah....I am. I've let my boss down. I've let my wife down. I've let myself down. I do this over and over and ask myself the same questions every time. I think it was Einstein that said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". That's me.
All this typing is making me angry. There are so many thoughts in my head racing around much faster than I'm able to type. I just have to stop. I can't think about this anymore. I'm think I'm making myself worse by thinking about it so hard. It's just depressing. All of it. Thanks for reading. I hope my rambling was entertaining at the least. I just want to know that I'm not alone....that there are other people who feel like this...that there is hope for me. FML