I remember every time I would walk in those doors at home after being out there for 4, 5, 6 days at a time. I got this instant feeling of comfort and warmth. Ease and peace. And the first thing that always popped into my head was. Man, It feels good to be home. Why would I want to go out there and live like that when I have all this at home? I would feel all cozy and safe.
I cant really explain the feeling really. Sorta like how I have heard doing heroin feels like. Just a warm satisfying feeling.
Thats what home felt like.
I dont get it. I really am not going to try.
I am not doing that crap anymore. And I can feel like every day now.
Without the regret of where I had spent the last few days.
I did take everything for granted using. All that stuff. I knew I had a home to go to. A family, food in the kitchen, clothes and a nice warm safe bed. But I didnt see it as lucky then. Its just how its always been.
Sometimes I would bring a person I was close with out there that didnt have anything come stay with me for a couple days and shower and eat and sleep it off.
I remember this guy Pilone. He was a homeless drug dealer and he also used. I would let him come stay at my house once in awhule and feed him and let him sleep in my bed while I slept on the couch. I remember the last time I saw him. He got arrested. We were sitting behind a house in the alley and I was up for a few days. Getting high and just having a good ole time. Then we saw the cops turn into the alley. I told him to throw his stuff down. But he didnt. And he got arrested. The last thing he said to me before all that went down was that he will always remember that I let him into my home to shower and stuff. I know he got deported back to Mexico. I know he was HIV positive. I never judged anyone out there. I had all that stuff to go home to and I still didnt feel better than anyone. But I also wasnt grateful at the time either.