hello mandyana and welcome to sr! i was 18 when i was taken to my first AA meeting,it was another 19 years of h£ll before i got there and stayed there at the begining of this year.my story is very like yours except for going abroad to be a holiday rep.but the parties,undesirable bed partners,needing more drink than others and needing it to feel "normal" are all part of my story.i also became very agressive and violent with booze and with a particularly bad blackout a few years ago,was arrested for smashing up a treatment room in a hospital,they could have told me i had murdered someone and i would have believed them.from what you say about what goes on in your head after these episodes you could be like me.since going back to AA my life has changed beyond recognition over the last few months.my thinking has changed and my outlook towards life and everything in it has changed also.i have never felt this in my life.i got to AA and found a sponsor quickly,this is someone that will take you through the 12 steps as suggested in the Big Book of Alcohloics Anonymous that you already possess.your life can just begin now,you have so much to look forward to and all it takes is an honest desire to get sober.go with an open mind and you should do just fine,dont forget that everyone in that room all felt like you did or similar the first time they walked through the door.please pm me if i can be of any help to you.let us know how you get on.