i offer my sincere prayers & support during your grieving process.
i've gone through alot of situations, both internal & external, while clean and sober. Situations that i had often used as an excuse in my active addiction/alcoholism. i've gotten through them and have grown in the process because of working a 12 Step program of recovery. At times, my emotions and thoughts have been all over the place, bouncing around inside me like a giant superball in a concrete room. Looking outside of myself for the love & support of a Higher Power has helped me to slow down and take a breath.
i hope that you are finding what works for you to keep you strong.