Grieving while sober
My Mom passed away about 2 weeks ago. She was comfortable and peaceful, and died with family (including me) by her side. My previous experience with grieving is get a bottle and drink it, talk about the lost one, and then move on. Since I am sober, this is how should I say, "different." I don't have my usual escape hatch. I'm all over the place, lots of feelings coming at me from all different places. Conflicting feelings, irrational feelings, anger, sadness, confusion, helplessness, regret, comparing my process/experience to other people's. I'm trying not to judge my feelings and just let them happen. To let them move through me. I know the healthiest thing is to just feel them damn it, but I have no patience sometimes, and get annoyed and pissed off that they come at the most inopportune times. Same way I get annoyed that I am a member of the alcoholics club that no one wants to belong to. I'm overwhelmed with sobriety, with grief, with this thing called life.
This weekend was a lost weekend. Crying one minute, fine the next, barely eating, staying in my pajamas till almost evening, completely emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm grateful I had the luxury to take the time to just be, painful as it was. And I know it's normal.
I'm trying to be gentle with myself, patient with the process, and still do all the things I need to do for my sobriety. I know I'm not the first person to deal with the loss of a loved one while trying to stay sober, that's for sure. Looking for some perspective from those who've been where I have. Thanks.