First of all, I'm sorry we're all here. Second of all, there is such a comfort knowing that there are other people who understand my plight. It's been such a rough go....
My step-mother has been my only mother ---and becamse my 'mother' when I was 12. She's been a functioning alcoholic for at least 15 years, likely longer. I realized something was 'off' with her drinking about that time. About 10 years ago I knew in my head that she was an alcoholic but was unable to say it aloud --even to my own husband. About seven years ago I was able to talk about it to my husband...who calmly told me that he knew and held me in his arms. And about three years ago I started therapy. It's been both the most difficult and the most awesome thing I've ever done with regard to my mom.
I had to first muster up the courage, after many sessions, to address her and my father (I'm a total daddy's girl) about her drinking and set up my boundaries. It was so hard. Didn't go as well as I'd hoped and they ended up not speaking to us for an entire year.
My birthday rolled around the next year and I got a call from my dad...I could barely breathe. From there our relationship has progressed to a place that I can't even explain --it's better than it's been in YEARS. More powerful, more loving, more active.....just awesome.
Letting go with love has been so difficult. There are times when my mom will email me and we'll chat that way for a few months --and then she'll refuse to respond to me all of a sudden. For no apparent reason --but I know this is part of her addiction. I know my dad still has a level of codepedence that I may never understand --but I can't get involved in HIS issue.
Setting boundaries was difficult --it's hard not to see them together on holidays (which sometimes means I miss out on my brothers, too) --but it's better than making myself sick for days leading up to the actual holiday because I kept wondering 'what would she do this year?'.....sigh.
I've sent her letters. I've tried to remind her that I love her and she's always welcome in my home as long as she's not drinking. She never responds. It's the best I can do for me...and for MY family.
It's still hard. Some days are better than others. The holidays are coming up. Even though it's easier now that I've made boundaries, it still sends pain to my heart to know that our entire family can't be together. It's never easy, it just becomes a slight bit easier with the boundaries, I think.
I just want to say hello to everyone. I want to let everyone know who is leading up to the boundaries part --it's so hard and the process stinks --but the other side can be rewarding. My relationship with my father is amazing proof......and the fact that my husband and I no longer have fights about the entire situation --what a relief. It was just something that weighed heavily on our lives...and now it's more in the background while we move forward.
I hope she seeks treatment and begins to live her life instead of drown it every night, I really do. But hoping is about all I feel like I can do for her right now. If I could cure her with love, she'd never drink another drop.
Anyways --thanks for listening. And the one thing I can offer --if you aren't already in therapy, it literally saved me. Maybe not from actually dying --but from dying on the INSIDE.
All the best to everyone .....this isn't an easy situation. Sigh. I hope to hang around and learn from you guys, lean on you guys and offer my own shoulders and ears, too.