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10-18-2009, 07:23 AM

# 6 (permalink)

dothi

Member

Join Date: Sep 2008

Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.

Posts: 402

Hi AquarianPath, your dad sounds like a real handful. I can understand why your brother and sister have stepped out from his life. Why are you the only one staying?

What I've learned from alcoholics is that the consumption makes them mentally sick. They become irrational people whose reality is adjusted to accommodate their drinking. It doesn't matter how many reasons you come up with to justify your point, alcoholics will find a way of telling you that your reality isn't what you say it is. They need to do this in order to avoid facing the consequences of their choices and actions.

Imagine telling your AF that his behavior hurts you. What would he retort with? "Come on, it wasn't that bad." (=denying your reality) "You're making a big deal out of it" (= denying your reality) "I'm under a lot of stress" (=your reality isn't as important as mine) "You don't have it as hard as I have" (=your reality isn't as important as mine)

End point - your reality (which includes your feelings, wishes, dreams, desires, and boundaries) are not acknowledged. You're treating the alcoholic as though he were a rational person who, if only he finally heard your point, would smarten up. Unfortunately you are not dealing with a rational person. After all, if he were a rational person, he wouldn't drink so much, right? Think of all the healthy, rational people you know and admire - do any of them allow themselves to drink to excess and behave this way?

I've done this many times over with my AF. An AF who drinks through your birthday, who guilts you for wanting to do things for yourself (visit friends, take a small trip, etc.), who disappoints you with terrible gifts after you contemplated for weeks what would be the perfect gift, etc. When my AF drank he would make inappropriate, lewd comments at me EVEN if my boyfriend was in the room. Later I confronted him. I told him in order for us to have a relationship I need him to admit how rude he is to me when he's drunk. His answer: "how can I be responsible for what I don't remember?"

It was a rude awakening but it finally dawned on me that he doesn't want to take responsibility for his behavior. That's why he drinks. That's why he's like a two people. Sober AF plays the model father. Drunk AF is an opportunity for sober AF to do all the things he wouldn't normally do AND not be held responsible.

AquarianPath, you sound like you're waiting for the acknowledgement that I also spent many years waiting for. You're waiting for AF to finally take care of your feelings, as you have already spent years doing for him. The problem is that this is a deal that only you have made; he hasn't. So expecting someone to finally own up to their end of the bargain when they don't even acknowledge the bargain in place can only leave you with one thing: disappointment.

Listen to the good folks here. Give Al-anon a try. Start educating yourself about alcoholism. There's lots of good books out there, such as "The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love" by Janet G. Woititz & "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward and Craig Buck. When I first stopped denying how bad my dad's alcoholism was, I found these books at the library. I read them again from time to time when I feel myself slipping into toxic guilt over having my own life free of alcoholism.

You're doing a tremendous thing in reaching out here - this forum is full of great people and great stories. Keep thumbing through the forum and do update us from time to time. Welcome to SR!