I'm not giving up on you Bubba - you can do this.
I really believe that.
But none of us can make the journey for you.
One thing I know for sure tho - looking for the bottle to save you for this, or get you through that, isn't working.....and it never will. If drinking is still your fall back option you're just spinning your wheels - you need change - you need a new plan.
I hope you realise that - really get that - soon, without too much more damage to yourself.
D