traderjane

July 2007 was my 43rd birthday. I went out with a group of girlfriends to a nice restaurant. We had dinner and wine... lots of wine. I woke up the next morning with a horrible hangover, counted how many bottles we ordered, counted the number of people who were drinking, and with horror, realized that I had finished off a full bottle of wine, at least. I got through my hangover and kind of laughed it off as a "once in a while kind of thing."

In the fall of 2007, my husband and I separated. He moved out (long story, not for here). Then I had a breakup with a serious boyfriend. I started drinking to fill the void. I went out with friends who drank and we really got into wine. We would go to Costco in Virginia and stock up on cases of wine to have at home -- good wine at good prices! I began drinking wine regularly at home and was having my own private happy hours.

Pretty soon I was drinking either every night or every other and unable to stop at 1/2 bottle. I was hungover a lot. Other bad things started happening. I would get into fights with friends more. I was disorganized. I couldn't make it to everything I would plan. I couldn't get everything done.

This went on for a while and in November 2008 I realized I had a serious problem. I spoke to a good friend about it and to my ex-husband, basically asking for help. I remember calling an AA hotline one morning when I was horribly hungover. A very nice man on the phone line reassured me and said, "It's going to be okay." I remember how that made me feel -- not so alone. I did go to one meeting. The people were great. However, I could not yet bring myself to say, "Hi I'm Laura and I'm an alcoholic." Not yet. So I never went to another meeting.

I bought some books on how to moderate drinking, how to stop drinking, etc. I spent a lot of money on hypnosis CDs that were supposed to make drinking seem horrible. Everything worked a little a bit for a little while. I kept drinking journals, notes, etc. in a effort to get things under control

Around June 2009, I became desperate again. I did a google search and found this website and joined. You all know me from that point forward. I have gone through a lot of phases on here, have been a pain in the ass at times, tried moderating again, have been sober for stretches as long as 10 days and got out of the cycle of daily drinking.

A couple of weeks ago I got drunk on about a bottle of wine, fell flat on the ground and hit my head really hard. I had a bump on my forehead and a bruise that lasted weeks (and a horrible purple and black eye). I had to explain to people that I tripped, .... yeah right. Nobody is that clumsy. I was scared that I actually could have killed myself. But I still kept drinking... for a little while longer. I took Kudzu the herb. I was able to drink 1-2 drinks for a few times in a row and thought I was "cured."

On Tuesday this week I went to the wine store and picked out a really nice bottle of Chardonnay thinking I could control it and stop at 2 glasses. I went over the halfway line in the bottle and was pretty upset when I saw that I was not able to stick to my plan. I went to bed, had the most horrible night's sleep -- lonely and sick and miserable. I actually prayed to God to help me get out of this. And this is significant because I'm not religious and hardly ever pray.

I was hungover on Wednesday, but got up, dumped out the rest of the wine (I drank about 3/4 of the bottle), got showered and made my way to an AA meeting. I was nervous and skeptical at first. But I stayed and listened. Everything everyone said made perfect sense. By the end I knew I had found the answer --- that I am an alcoholic and I belong at those meetings with all those people.

So here I am - I will continue going to AA and will not drink. I had what I feel is a "spiritual awakening." I used to not understand that. But I asked for help, from someone above, and I got it. It's all there -- the people are out there waiting to help us. There are meetings everyday, several a day in every city around where I live and work. It was all there this whole time and I ignored it. Because I didn't think I was an alcoholic.

So I just wanted to say thanks to you all at SR for putting up me while I figured this out. Thanks for letting me stick around. I feel fantastic, free and wonderful. I had the best day at work today. I was energetic, focused and able to concentrate like I haven't been able to in years. I can't explain it. A huge burden has been lifted and I don't have to fight this anymore.

Thanks.....

Laura