Welcome to SR Eternal Sunshine.
Originally Posted by
EternalSunshine 
I began drinking long before I could drive, and I could easily put down 10 shots before I left junior high. I never got sick when I drank, which facilitated this behavior. All that has changed in my 25 years of dedicated practice is that the blackouts became more regular, by behavior far more erratic and disgraceful, and the hangovers are much worse.
I chose my screen name because for me this is what drinking has come to represent (from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) - a way to erase my memories of my past horrors. And there have been a lot of these. To quote a line from The Bravery: "The drinking never stops because the drinks absolve our sins." The bottle has become my only haven for happiness.
So it was for me too ES...until I needed more and more to get to 'happy' and then the bottle ceased to 'work' at all. It's a dreadful place to be.
So I am reaching out to gain perspective of those who have travelled this path, with three pressing questions:
1) Is it possible to recover when you are in a relationship with an active alcoholic who does not want to recover? I have brought up the need to seek help at least a dozen times the past year, and my husband has no interest at all. He never admits he has a problem, and our whole relationship has been a series of parties with drinking at the core. When I am trying to quit (ie "dry drunk" a term I learned yesterday which very well categorizes all my prior efforts), he simply hides the handle of Jim Beam in a cupboard too high for me to reach, but of course I find it. I could find a bottle if blind folded in a corn maze.
As others have said here, it's something a lot of people here deal with. It's not easy, but it's possible. Our sobriety has to be for us alone - not in a selfish way but a focused one...this is your life here ES...what other people do or don't do can't come into it IMO.
2) How do you begin to find your self identity? I ask this because I simply have no idea who I am or would be if sobriety was a regular event for me. This makes me so terribly, terribly sad. I realize that my entire social life, my marriage, my sex life, my every entertainment, my every coping mechanism, and 99% of my friendships involve and are structured around drinking. I am so depressed by the idea that if I truly recover and if my husband does not, that we can not stay married. But I have to save myself, and I also have to do this for my children.
One of the best bits of advice I ever got was stop thinking about tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. I've always done that and it dovetails nicely with alcoholism - there's always something to worry about and look for solace over.
The truth is - we can only deal with what happens today, and do that each day. As you say you have to save yourself - let that be your goal and focus for now.
3) I have read posts on both AA and NA and I don't know where to begin. My dual addictions have become very intertwined. During college, I treated a hangover with a few bong hits and more booze. But now that I work an incredibly stressful and demanding job, that doesn't do the trick. So about 10years ago I discovered the miracle of pills. It began with Ultram, then Codeine, Lortab, Xanax, Ativan, Percocet, Lyrica...and when these made me too tired or I hadn't slept, I simply added an upper: high doses of stimulating antidepressants or whatever else I could get ie Provigil, Adderall, Meridia, Focalin...so despite having had 15 drinks and passing out for 3 hours I could get up, pop some pills, put on a suit and be at a 7 am meeting - apparently fit for work. I don't think I am addicted to the pills per se, which is to say I don't crave them, and I don't want to take more and more, but I have not had a day without swallowing something in many, many years.
Even on a sober day, I will take something just to get through the stress. So do I take one addiction at a time? Deal with both simultaneously? I don't know. And I am not confident that I can give up both at the same time. I am a few days into sobriety now, and the night sweats are lessening, but I am still taking some helpers to get through the day. And at night, all I want is some Ambien and Xanax to get the effect of passing out rather than tossing and turning for hours. (I have not given in to this idea).
Thank you to any of you who want to share your perspective on my questions.
I really think this is a question best asked of a doctor, ES
I hope these musings have helped in some way LOL.
This place has been a great support to me - I hope it will be for you too, Eternal Sunshine. Hope to see you around some more.
D