Old 10-13-2009, 04:19 PM
  # 364 (permalink)  
Ananda
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
what struck me here tyler is letting go of our own past...good and bad...

Although i have had to do that with relationships, in the last 20 years it has been for me with my jobs....but I don't think it is so different....We can't move on if we are hanging on to who we were yesterday and I VERY firmly believe I have used alchohol and drugs to hang on to memories that needed to be let go of.....It's why sobriety often hurts at the begining....having to actually accept that things have moved on....in the end it is worth it, but it takes time to get there...

anyhow thats my current take for what its worth

Originally Posted by tyler View Post
Depression is definately an issue for me. I've been hospitalized for it a couple of times and attempted suicide once. I've been medicated for it for years, with limited success, though I have always thought that was mostly due to my drinking and drugging along with the meds.

While I think that may be somewhat of a factor here, I think a bigger one is acceptence. Even though I've been divorced for almost 5 years, I have never really accepted it. I asked for the divorce after my suicide attempt. We had been seperated for about a year at that time, due mostly to my drug use. I was on a freefall that I really wasn't sure I would pull out of, and I really didn't until fairly recently. I thought I was doing the right thing for my wife and son, as I didn't want to drag them down along with me. I guess I always held the belief in my mind that if I could ever get my $hit together, we would somehow be able to pick up where we left off and be a family again. This belief has been supported by the fact that my ex has not really "moved on" with anyone else, in fact she has only been on a couple of dates, and nothing remotelly serious. In spite of all of that, I think I really need to accept the fact that I am divorced. That is a fact. I might not like it, I might wish I had done things differently, but it is the way it is and I have to accept it as so.

Easier said than done, of course.

I also, somehow, need to find out what makes me happy. The current answer is, nothing really. But there has to be something out there for me. I mean I have things I enjoy, but nothing that really brings me "joy". It makes it hard to see much purpose in life. I still have a large "hole" in my life that my ex occupied. Over time I slowly replaced her with drugs and booze, and eventually lost her because of that. Now I don't even have the drugs and booze, I'm left with nothing there. I don't know how to fill that space again.

I'm seeing my theripist in a couple of days, these are things I should probably hash out with her. It sometimes helps to put it down in front of me though. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Take care.
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