tiac,
Yes, those are crazy thoughts. I, and many others, call them the insanity of the first drink. It's what happened to me over and over and over before I recovered. It's why I believe fully that I was doomed to repeat that action.
Once I knew that, I looked at how others were returned to sanity. I took the actions they took to have that mental obsession removed.
It's a tough spot right now, because that obsession has kicked in big time. Just admitting that and posting here is good. If it were me, and it was me years ago, I would call a recovered alcoholic right now. I would get to an AA meeting. I would call a trusted friend, or the AA hotline, or take a vise to my car keys, or chain myself to the bed or call 911 and lie my ass off about being suicidal. I would do whatever it took to not drink as my very next within this next minute action.
And then my very next action would be to seek a solution that removes that obsession. Regardless of how tonight goes, that obsession usually wins out over the long haul.