SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - How do we approach alcoholic mother?? Please help!

10-12-2009, 05:33 PM

# 4 (permalink)

dothi

Member

Join Date: Sep 2008

Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.

Posts: 402

Hi destruction! Welcome to the forum. Hopefully you'll find many gems of insight here. This place is full of folks experienced in dealing with alcoholic parents.

One hard truth is that we can't control the choices our parents make. Many of us are here because drinking has been more important to our parent(s) than their relationship with us. That's not our fault; that's not our choice. And no, it's definitely not fair, but that's how it is.

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with your mom is suffering, but there is little you can do unless your mom wants to get better. No one can control or make decisions for another adult - that responsibility is on the adult themself.

Until then you are very, very wise to enforce strict boundaries (e.g. no more looking after the kids).

Quote:

Originally Posted by destruction

frankly we're all terrified of destroying our relationship with her if we mention it.

Healthy relationships take two. What is your mom doing to keep your relationship from being destroyed?

I faced this question with my own alcoholic father, who was also diagnosed with cancer a couple years ago. He went through many stages of extreme optimism (was going to quit smoking and drinking, start his life anew) and depression. I used to work so hard at making life wonderful enough for him to want to be here with me. But you know what? Unless he wants it, what I do will never be enough. What am I left with? A father who is not the father I thought I had. I found that as I faced just how serious drinking was in my father's life, I had to grieve the loss of the father I wish I had - the father I was close with as a kid, who I chatted with for hours, who made me feel important. Unfortunately I've had to to realize that a person with an addiction is not someone you can rely on for sane, rational guidance. As long as the addiction is active, it is the addict's top priority - even over health, life, and you. The good times in my relationship with my father were only of part of him that I was fortunate to experience. But the good times don't change the ugly whole.

Destruction, I think you should give yourself a lot of room to be upset. You're watching addiction destroy someone you love - many of us have witnessed this. But the reality is that you can't change your mom, so what are you doing for you to help yourself through this?