w2ben
I find that whenever I need to enter into something like this (communicating my wants and needs to others) that the directness and power behind direct confrontation does not "work."
I know that you are not happy with what your bro has been doing, and in fact are probably perturbed about it. Completely understandable.
The first thing I would do is let go of the need to
confront him and take a look at
your own wants and needs for your own life.
It is easy to say, "
I want my brother to X,Y,Z" and equally easy to feel justified to let him know this because, "
It's my house, I was doing him a favor, and he is bothering me because he did not uphold his end of the deal." Comparatively, it is difficult to let go of the outcomes you would like to see for your self, your husband, and your brother. It is equally difficult to let go of all the feelings surrounding those outcomes (good, bad, and indifferent).
(Please know I have had several siblings come live with me because they needed a place to stay for various periods of time, one of whom was an active heroin, cocaine, and anything-else-he-could-get-his-hands-on addict). I personally left them alone even though they weren't really doing anything to help out, and eventually they just moved on of their own accord (Thank goodness)).
So, the second thing I would do is recognize what I
can control and what I
cannot control. And accept that I really have no control over anything outside of me. No matter what you say, do, think, feel, scream, or yell, your bro is going to do what he does.
Then, what I would do is try to find the most peaceful way to communicate with my brother my feelings and my needs and how he can play a part in making those things "nice" instead of "bad". I do not mean to say be a
pushover; I mean to say that there is a way to be firm with him AND kind at the same time.
Perhaps a letter, written in kindness and love expressing these things and asking him one more time the changes you would like to see in YOUR home, would help. Be clear of what you will do if these changes are not made. Don't blame, shame, threaten, deride or otherwise shift any of this on HIM. State what you will do if he does not improve (be specific what he needs to do) and follow through on it if he fails to improve.
Alternatively, in the letter, you could just kindly ask him to leave without providing any explanation at all. How he chooses to react to this is up to HIM. You need not say anything further and let him walk out the door.
Please understand that when a person is forced out of their job, goes bankrupt, and is alcoholic, they are dealing with some mental health issues, for sure, at the least. I do not mean to feel sorry for him, have pity, or anything like that. Just stressing the need for you to maintain civility and softness with your loved one
FOR YOURSELF and your own feelings regarding your own behavior.
I hope this is helpful. You can do this.
