So many times I knew how much I was hurting my family. And what killed me was when I was so aware of it at the time of doing it yet still doing it. Like when I would be high and begging my gram for more money. Seeing her shaking and yelling and crying right before my eyes. All I had to do was shut up and leave her alone. I could have given her a heart attack or a stroke as upset as she would get sometimes. And while I was doing it. I would think, Look what your doing. Just stop. But no..and like Dee said. The more I thought about that. The more I wanted to get higher to block it out.
But now my family, especially my grams dont have to go throguh that **** anymore. And as much of a POS as I was then. They know it wasnt really me. They know and understand that it was the desperation of the drug driving me to be like that.
And now, over time, little by little. I have made my apologies. I have made some amends. And I am doing everything in ym power to ensure I live right so that never ever happens again. And they see it and know without me even having to say a word.
I could sit here and beat the crap out of myself for the countless inexcusable things I did over and over to my family. But I know what I did. I knw I am sorry. And they know it too.
Its time for me to let it go and move on. Never forget. But that is not who I am anymore. And I will never be that person ever again.
You have to let that stuff go in order to be able to move on. There is nothing you can do to change what has been done.
But you can do everything you can to make sure it never happens again.