I am new to this online group and haven't ever really participated in anything for ACoA or Al-anon before. Let me start out by briefly introducing myself. I am 27 years old, have 3 children (34 months, 18 mo., and 2 mo.) and am married to a supportive and loving husband. My AM has been abusing alcohol for 25 years or more. I have have been through many periods of not talking to her for various amounts of time and have tried everything to try to get her to change. She has been with my alcoholic step-father since I was 3 years old and he was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive to me, my mom, and my only sibling (sister 5 years older) my entire life...anything ranging from casual blows to my head, to strangulation, to the list goes on...up until I was 20 years old when I swore to never vist home from college by myself. The last time I have visited my mom and step-dad was during Christmas of 2002 and i swore to myself I'd never step foot in their house again until things were different (to which I ever doubted they'd change).
Anyway, I was doing really good with separating myself from my family (by moving from the state of WI/MN all the way to WA) of origin until my first daughter was born. I gave in and called my mom telling her I was pregnant. I also let my sister know. Slowly and little by little, I was convinced to move back to WI because my sister wanted her two children and my children to grow up together. She had swore that she had changed and that she had been to counseling for her angry outbursts, lying and manipulation etc. (she had a horrible pattern of trying to pull me back into family dysfunction and never respected my no-hence why I had no choice but to seperate myself and move out of state).
Long story short, I have been back in WI for 2 years now. My children have only seen their grandma on 2 occasions (gma lives 2 hours away and won't get her drivers license--and being that i won't allow my step dad to be around my kids and he's the one who drives my mom everywhere...it complicates things). A year ago, my sister blew up at me because I confronted her about lying to me about something my husband did and she just freaked out from then on there and has treated me like royal dirt from calling me names to yelling and screaming at me. She disowned me and then tried contacting me via email to "work things out" without thinking she has to apologize for anyhthing. I denied her requests and insisted that she learn to respect me as a person, get counseling, adn stop lying about me to the rest of my relatives (which is a long story in and of itself). Now it's been up to a year and her and I haven't talked and we live 2 miles away from each other. It's been very difficult for me to go from living 2000 miles away from my sister to now being only 2 miles away from each other. I HATE it and it has been very painful, but I'm slowly but surely learning how to deal with it. It was particularly difficult when I had my 3rd daughter born in August...it's just been a long and hurtful process since I moved back to WI.
Moving further, I recently confronted my mother about her getting her drivers license to drive here to see my children herself and she insists that it's not possible and she has every excuse in the world as to of why she can't get a license. She expects other family members---including her elderly parents who live 4 hours away from me and 2 hours away from her to drive her here (they are in their 70's) so she doesn't have to get her license. I recently wrote her the following letter...which was very difficult to do...but my husband sort of helped me write it.:
Mom
I don’t have much time to write this since I should be studying right now so I’m going to make this short. I haven’t been avoiding your phone calls, but rather I‘ve been contemplating the direction that my life is going and the relationships within it, including ours.
I’m not satisfied with the current situation. I moved here from Washington state with the promise that things would be different and to get right down to it, it’s not. I literally threw many possessions of mine into the trash, that which couldn’t fit into our station wagon, quit an amazing job with the most compassionate coworkers, and sacrificed much to come here. As much as I sacrificed when I moved here, I haven’t seen the same reciprocated here. Not only has there been zero financial help, even during the travel from Washington and afterward, not only have I been gracious in giving you a second opportunity, but there has been little involvement with my children, as their grandmother.
I’m tired of the excuses, I’m tired of the lies, and empty promises. I’m tired of people assuming that I’m just going to get used to the situation and ignore it as if nothing is going on. I’m not going to ignore the gossip and lies that are circulating throughout our family, while everyone is virtually silent. Martin Luther King Jr. said that after our death, the lies of our enemies isn’t what will be remembered, but the silence from our friends [and family]. I’m not going to pretend that it doesn’t happen, because you and I both know that it does. These lies that have repeatedly wounded me [and my family]. I never got this kind of treatment in Washington and I certainly don’t have to take it here. I’m no longer going to put up with it any longer.
Now, I am a wife, a mother of three children who is stretched so thin with responsibilities and I’m not in any position to help others, particularly those that have no interest in helping me, or even themselves. For starters, you and Jay, make much more financially than Reza and myself. Since you have no dependants [children], you are able to work longer hours, and your hourly wage is higher [I did the math]. Not to mention, by your own admission you haven’t made a house payment in several months. If your bills outside of your house payment are so massive, then perhaps you should file for bankruptcy. However, I don’t believe that this is an excuse to not have your drivers license after nearly two decades. I hate to be this confrontational…but you leave me no choice.
Bottom line…you cannot afford to pay your bills, to get your license to come and see your grandchildren [and children], but you can afford cigarettes and alcohol. This isn’t my idea of “change”. Heart to Heart, don’t you see that you are sending the same message with your life that you were two decades ago? The message I received growing up back then was that alcohol was more important then your children. Today the message is the same, except that now instead of your children, it’s your grandchildren. I’m no fool. I know that you drink every night [I’m often on the phone with you, as you’re drinking], I even have a receipt to prove it. If you want to drink and smoke and whatever else it is that completes your lifestyle, that’s your choice and your business. I don’t live with you, and you’re entitled to your lifestyle. However, your lifestyle comes with consequences. With this in mind, I’ve made several decisions that involve you and my family.
- I’m moving back to Washington and there is little that can be done to change my mind.
- Even thou I don’t owe it to you, I’m still going to be graceful and allow you to come and see Suhaila, but there is a stipulation. You are going to have to be an adult, get your drivers license and drive yourself to come here. Your parents are older than you and your daughters are younger, yet they all have their drivers license. In my opinion, it would be inappropriate for you to have your elderly parents and your younger children be put in a position that makes them go out of their way to drive you around for the sake of you and your lifestyle. I’m not at all comfortable with that sort of contribution. You’re not fifteen years old anymore. You’re 52 years old as of this year. I don’t believe that this is expecting too much of you.
Just as you don’t like paying your bills and prefer to drink, I, myself as well, would like to not pay bills and not have to work. However, I don’t have that luxury. Once we become adults, we have responsibilities and from now on, I’m going to hold you to the same standards that I have for myself and everyone else. In my every day life, I’m making the decision to make the conscious effort to never once be dependant upon Naila for things that are my responsibility as her parent. It is not her responsibility to pick up the slack and never will I dictate that she do as such. I will never force her to do Raina and Suhaila’s hair in the morning, make her get them dressed, potty train them, take them to school, prepare meals for them, do my laundry, clean up my messes, cook for my husband, among many other things. I am making the conscious effort to be fully present in their lives to the best of my ability. I will continue doing so for as long as I’m on this earth. I will never be dependant upon Naila to take responsibility for my actions. That would be extremely irresponsible and backwards. I will be sure to teach them responsibility by modeling it for them, and teaching them how to take care of themselves as is appropriate for each age. I also am saving money not only for them, but for myself so that I can be in a better position to help my children regardless of what age they are. Do you see the difference?
It’s true that there is less tolerance for driving while intoxicated today as there was several decades ago. This has been in effect as a result of the thousands of people have lost their lives to drunk driving and drunk drivers. If your drinking is what is keeping you from being responsible and getting your drivers license, welcome to the real world.
Did you know that most Muslims go through their entire lives never tasting a drop of alcohol? It’s forbidden in Islam, yet the numerous Muslim friends of mine are possibly the most happy women [and men] that I’d ever met in my life. I’m sure you get the hint of where this is going, so I’m going to leave it at that and pray for you. It’s never too late to turn your life around.
I'm not sure that this letter was perfect, but it was all I can fathom doing. Of course she wrote me back with all the excuses in the world how everything that happened in my life was beyond her control and someone elses fault....while completely ignoring the main issue of getting her drivers license. She called me the next day leaving a message (i refuse to talk about it on the phone anymore or talk to her at all on the phone now) and partly crying about how hurt she was about some of the things I said..begging to talk to me. Then called me later during the same day with a rude tone of voice. lol--go figure, right--manipulation tactics I'm sure. Then she wrote me back the same day mentioning how she can't possibly get her drivers license bla bla bla. I just wrote her 3 lines back stating very simply that all she needs to do is get her drivers license and stop drinking...then she can come see my newborn daughter-Suhaila.
Anyway...being that I got the pathetic response from her and being that she supports the lies my sister is going around telling the rest of the family...and being that she herself is lying about things...I am learning how to move on and focus on my family only. It's a struggle to not feel like i did something wrong b/c I know that's how they see it and twist it. However, never once have they been concerned about my feelings and my opinions and input. I've never had a voice. Therefore....this voice is going to move on elsewhere and spend its time with people who will love it and listen to it.
Ending this for now,
thanks for listening. I've really benefitted deeply from reading other's threads in this group. It's amazing how easy it can be to feel isolated and criminal like...even tho it's far from the truth of reality.
God Bless You All
