First and LAST meeting
For all of you who have followed my threads you will know the angst I felt about walking into a meeting. Sober for five years and professional in a small community are the two biggest reasons for not walking in. I have answered questions such as "are you still feeling shameful?" or "maybe you cannot admit to being an addict" from members of this forum when I admitted to not going to a meeting. I believe I answered them all and with the encouragement from the majority on this forum I walked into a meeting - figuring I was missing something in my recovery - because I honestly felt I was. Well, what a mess this turned out to be! I walked into an open meeting and there sat a room full of mainly women with 2 males - and 4 of my clients that I see on a regular basis. I almost ran for the hills but thought "No..sit down and just listen". Well, after some snide remarks from my clients such as "what the hell are you doing here? or "seriously? - are you kidding me? You are about to sit there and tell me you are one of US?" All to which I answered in a wavering voice "yes I am - I am here for the same reason you are - to focus on my recovery" OK, so I got through the preliminary nerves and tried to relax then the next bomb hit. The Keep coming back slogan was shouted loud and proud and the one male rolls his eyes and says "there is a professionals meeting about an hour away - you don't have to come HERE" I went from nervous to pissed but again thought "no, stay open, look for similarities" Then it was smoke break - and this kind woman offerred me one - I took it - went outside with her and 99% of the others and tried to make conversation. She made small talk but it was a chore for her. Going back into the room I thought maybe things would feel easier after the break - um... nope! The meeting wrapped up - everyone stampered out and no one said one word to me. So, now I ask WTF?
I cannot imagine after hearing the stories from this site that this is the usual behaviour at meetings! I will not go back - ever. I will continue to keep my recovery as my core - the quiet place inside of me and hope for the best because to be honest, I feel worse now that I went than how I felt before! And I can only imagine how my clients are going to treat me now...I worry about this to the point that I want to refer them to another "helper" to simply avoid their crusty wrath.
What a mess!