I was just reading about the concept of surrender tonight. We have all been brought up to believe that surrendering is a bad thing and so we naturally fight against it.
But, sometimes, we need to surrender to the fact that we can't go on the way we have been. We have to surrender to the fact that we can't fix this ourselves.
I'm not saying that AA or a 12-step program is the only way to help, but it sounds a lot like you are approaching Step 1 - that your life is unmanageable and you are powerless over alcohol.
I love to read, so I found that reading the Big Book helped me a lot when I was feeling just as you do now.
Sometimes, unfortunately, we are all too smart for our own good - and our intellect gets in the way of real progress...