For me, I had to truly give up and stop fighting with Alcohol. I had to let it go completely. I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink...basically, step 1, Admit we are powerless over alcohol. Don't get me wrong, I fell so many times before I "got it" I can't even remember. Stop fighting to manage your addiction, let it go, you will not be sorry. Having said that if you truly don't want to stop drinking, you won't. I know it is hard...
....we have all been where you are now, some as few as yesterday, some a little longer ago, but we all understand what you are going through.
Cathy