Congratulations on your thirty-eight days of sobriety!
Regarding your feelings... have you considered talking to a therapist? It sounds like you're in a pretty dark place emotionally, and it could help to talk to someone freely in confidence about how you truly feel and perhaps learn some new coping mechanisms or worldviews.
There's a lot of great advice and inspirational stories to be found on SR, but it sounds like reading the threads isn't doing much to help your spirits and talking to a therapist may be the next logical step.