I so appreciate all your advice. You are wise counselors!! You really understand what I mean because you have gone through it too. Thank you GiveLove for your advice about, among others, routing out the thing in me that fed the drama. It is so true and I believe dothi has said it. I do have the urge to take control and fix it when things get out of control. I just needed to hear it and when you said that it made sense. I don't like conflict and really I get caught up into it too easily, trying to calm people down, telling them to stop saying mean things etc... I have even asked my parents if they are fighting more because I am there. At first I felt like I was the cause of their arguments. My mom said No this is how we are all the time. I say that is not normal or healthy. But she says it's nothing; they're just crouchity in their old age. I don't believe that now. I believe it is something and it's not good. Maybe it is the drama that they like or crave whether they are by themselves or have an audience.
A few weekends ago my husband and I went to visit my older son in So. CA and I didn't want my parents to know. So we went right past their town on the freeway and I did not want to stop, even to eat lunch on the way or get gas for fear someone would see me and tell them. Silly huh. Especially when there are millions of people there. I was being paranoid. I have never felt like this before. Normally I would have called them and gone to see them for a few hrs. Not now since all this has been happening.
Yes, my brother is smart, unfortunately he has had a lot more practice dealing with them than I have. I also need to put into practice my escape routes and put my foot down on what I will tolerate, like you said IWTH. Thank you for words to practice and things to apply. I do need to detach further I think because I still find myself worrying and thinking about what my mom is going through today, is she okay (she has already broken her ankle while drunk and she breaks out in stress hives frequently), what will be next?... After I talk to her on the phone and I can hear her voice sounding shaky I feel so helpless and all I can do is pray for her. She sounds ill most of the time now and not happy. But.... I know I can't help her unless she wants it. I just wish she did. Right now she doesn't care anymore, wants to do what she wants and tells me not to interfere. That's hard for me to hear. But I hope, as takincareome says, that if I do my part they will stop this destructive behavior.
Thank you all for your support. I am going to print these out so I can have them readily available.