Old 10-06-2009, 08:48 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
dothi
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
This is a toughie, and you're very brave to post it here in the ACOA forum. I hope many others will come with more insights.

I can tell you right now that you are doing the right thing by taking responsibility for your drinking and actions. What's done is done. You are allowing a whole lot of healing to start by casting aside any denial. No, this won't stop a lot of the negative impacts that already have momentum, but it will help healing accompany the motion of those negative impacts. It will be messy and complicated for a while.

The tough thing with loves ones, unfortunately, is that just because you are ready to move forward, it doesn't automatically mean that they are. A lot of us ACOAs long to hear our alcoholic parent apologize. Very few of us have actually received this apology, only to find that it really doesn't make the relationship "good" because the damage is still there. It would be nice if apologies could fix everything, but as powerful as they are, even their effect is limited.

Please please please have loving patience for your kids. Their journey with their anger / forgiveness / frustration / grief is their own. It will become their choice whether to forgive you or hold a grudge. But I can tell you that if you are truly working back towards sobriety, this will be your best bet to re-connecting with your family. Kids need to see a consistent change in their parents in order to stop believing old lies.

As I imagine you already know, trust takes time. Trust takes a lot of consistency. No amount or "right combination" of words can help you truly win this back. Show them that your first priority is being the parent that they deserve to have, and trust will grow back. But it will take time.

And if you get frustrated, believe me, this time spent re-earning their trust is MUCH BETTER OFF being spent now while they're with you and able to see/remember your efforts than years later when they're moved away, started their own families, and may not have the desire to re-visit old wounds. You had a lot more at stake than your childrens' relationships - alcoholism has a terrible cascade effect on generations. You are making a real stand by stopping it here and now.

I was hurt a lot by my AF's drinking. Emotionally I'm stuck wanting him to even acknowledge how his behaviors have hurt me, but alas he is still in denial. Even if he were able to apologize to me today, I would need to hear/see/feel it over and over again to believe that it's even real. I would need a lot of time to see it reinforced in his every action to really believe. After years of disappointment, a child's brain is too well trained to protect itself from any more disappointment.
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