NormieJoe

Hey everybody. Posting a long topic on your first post is always annoying, but to be honest I'm just here to get some feedback on this one situation, and I'd really appreciate any you could give me.

A little background is in order, so here's the short version. I started drinking and drugging regularly when I was a Junior in high school, though I had experimented before that with alcohol and weed. Throughout high school I had the normal array of rebellion, angst, lack of self-esteem, and daddy issues, but for the most part I had a lot of fun partying and enjoying the comraderie that goes along with those first stages of drinking and drugging.

I moved after high school and started going to college, and things took your basic downhill swerve as responsibilities started piling up, grades started plummeting, and I began to drink and use constantly to escape all of it. After a couple of years I hit a low point of binge drinking (usually every weekend or every other one) and using speed, cocaine, shrooms, weed, and whatever else I could get my grubby little fingers on.

After an ultimatum from my parents to either accept their gift of a free ride to rehab or get cut off completely, I went to rehab. I got into the AA thing for 6 months, and then after going off to college once again and once again failing to be responsible, I went into a state of relapse for another 6 months.

Needless to say I got found out and through little fault of my own I went back to AA, this time eventually finding my place. I got a sponser and went through the 12 steps at a good pace...not speeding through them by any means, but not procrastinating either. I started chairing meetings and doing service work. I was going to at least one meeting a day, rarely going more than two without one. At one year sober I was the alternate GSR, and at two I was the full time GSR. Keep in mind it's not a large group by any means, but it's not tiny either, and I got the chance to do a lot of cool things with bigger picture AA. I went to area meetings and conventions, spoke at groups, yada yada yada. I was 21 at the time.

Now, I'm 25 and have almost five years totally clean and sober. After the first few years, my AA participation started to decline, at first going to meetings once a week, and eventually dropping down to making appearances every now and then. In the meanwhile, I was taking what AA had taught me and taking it out into the real world. I met a girl, fell in love, got married, and had a baby, though not necessarilly in that order. I learned how to work 40+ hours a week and not be late once. I learned how to do my part around the house, and how to maintain a working and loving relationship. Through my 1.5 year old daughter, I've learned to love like I never knew possible.

And now the question I'm faced with is this: am I really an alcoholic/addict?

After my life threatening first bout with drugs and alcohol I was left as a shell of something that could have been, and though I was young, most everybody around me had absolutely zero hope for my recovery. The addicted me wasn't a long time in the making, but it came on hard and all but killed me, especially when I found speed. The specifics of my story wouldn't make anyone that's been around the block flinch, but to me and my family it was too much to bare.

Since then, however, just about everything has changed. I've grown into a responsible, reasonable, reasonably decent (if extremely flawed) guy that does his best to be a good husband and father. Since getting sober this time I've also grown into a rather large fear that any drop of alcohol will turn me into some foaming-mouth beast that would ravage anything in it's path. Well, not fear maybe, but more of an understanding, an engrained knowledge that AA taught me. For a while it was what I needed in order to survive, but now I wonder if that's really the truth.

I've started to question that truth, and truth be told, I really think I could handle responsible drinking. I work 40 hours a week at a government-run call center (plus all the overtime they offer), and believe you me it sure would be nice to be able to come home to a cold beer, and maybe one more in the evening. And it would be nice to have four or five (literally speaking here) every once in a while over the course of an evening when the kid's at her grandma's and the wife and I are out with some friends. Hell, it would also be nice to smoke a joint every once in a while. Not that I would want to buy any just because I don't like the idea of keeping it in my house, but if it's around and I'm in a safe situation at a time when I don't have any pending responsibilities, it'd be nice to smoke a spliff and chill out.

Throughout everything I've never thought there's anything wrong with people that can do any of the above, I just didn't think it would ever be in the cards for me...but after I started to question some of those things that I've forced down my own throat for so long (and for good reason, at the time), I just wonder if I'm one of those that's "grown out of" addiction. I know that sounds stupid, and I always groaned when people would say things like that before, but thinking outside of the realm of my typical AA ways, I think it might apply to me. I really don't think I'd have any problem drinking responsibly and keeping my sanity, spiritual life, and way of living.

With all of that said, I think I'm going to try and do some controlled drinking. I was thinking of getting a 6 pack, seeing how long it lasts me, and seeing what it does to me. The big book says for people on the fence to do pretty much that, except I live in a dry county (no bars) and would rather feel things out in the comfort of my own house, in front of my family, with nothing to hide.

And if you're thinking of asking, my wife and I had a good long talk about it. She's never been much into AA stuff, but from everything that I've told her previously, she's obviously a bit sketchy on the idea, but she didn't break out into tears or anything. It would take some time, but assuming I can drink like a normal person, I think things would coalesce. And she did like the idea of being able to have a few drinks with me (she'll have a couple every great now and then, but doesn't keep it around the house or do it with any regularity).

I have no desire whatsoever to get drunk. The most I can comfortably think of enjoying is a good little buzz in the company of good friends, and anything past that sounds horrible.

What are your thoughts? Do I sound misguided, like someone that's fooled himself to such a degree that it even sounds kind of good to you? With all of my AA training and experience I don't think there's any way that I couldn't doubt my thinking with something like this, but honestly, I just really don't think I'd have a problem drinking normally...and I would think that I'm a good enough place with myself and with God that I could be honest with myself and my wife if the whole 6 pack experiment doesn't go so well, or if later on things start to take a more sinister turn. I don't mean that to say that I take the insanity of real addiction lightly...I just don't know if it still applies to me.

What advice would you give me for my proposed experiment? Really, anything would be helpful.

Thank you for reading -

On The Fence.