One of the odd sad dynamics of alcoholic families is that the dysfunction takes normal trait of human behavior and twists it into a hindering and disabling habit. Children, on average, turn to their parents for care and support. This is normal, and it continues into adult years when one should be able to look to one's elders for wise guidance. In alcoholic families this turns into an obsessive desire to see normal behavior from an addicted/codependent parent and/or approval from that parent.
Instead of thinking "gee, I should call dad and ask him what he thinks" we go with "if I call dad maybe THIS phone call will change him a little if I just say X and Y and I MIGHT get a caring useful response." Ever hopeful, we are.
A somewhat extreme example of how persistent our obsession can be: My parents passed away 2 decades ago. I have realized that I still have a devotion to 'honoring' their expectations. I never had the chance to say 'I need to live my own life' to them and endure disapproval. I am fairly sure that I have also greatly exaggerated the expectations and disapprovals.
Freedom has the right idea. To paraphrase the AA Big Book, self-knowledge alone is not the answer. It is helpful to know that our childhood training gave us personality traits and thinking habits that hurts us, but we need a model for better thinking. That model can come from a therapist, some of the well-reccomended books for ACOA's, and/or from a higher power. For me, that model definately has to come from somewhere besides the dark cluttered halls of my own mind. I focus on the collective wisdom of my alanon group, people I respect and love, readings from christian, hebrew, and buddhist writings, and a power greater than myself.** Meditation helps too.
**(yup, there is a 2nd step thing here. After years of catholic church teachings, I realize that my HP is not a god of any church, or a god. It is the collective wisdom of people I can actively trust today and love. I will keep an open mind here, so I may yet see a bigger picture. )