I couldn't define myself outside the parameters of a relationship either. I'd rationalize that because maybe I'd go a year or two without one that I was 'fixed'. Ugh.
What helped me?
*Working the 12 steps, whether through Alanon, ACoA, CODA, AA, whatever support group was appropriate for me, and with a sponsor who had the kind of recovery I wanted.
*Individual therapy/counseling-this has been an invaluable resource for me through the years. When I am in desperate need of a big emotional overhaul, I get back into counseling/therapy.
*Journaling-writing down my thoughts and feelings, including my greatest fears each day.
*Reading-"Codependent No More" and "Women Who Love Too Much" were both eye-openers for me
One of the most uncomfortable things my sponsor had me do early in recovery was to actually sit in a quiet house (no tv/radio, etc) for 15 minutes by myself. That liked to drove me nuts because I did NOT want to be faced with myself, and myself only!
Seriously, it's a gradual process learning to love ourselves. My biggest roadblock for so many years was
every time I was struggling in my life,
when I was the most vulnerable, I ended up in another relationship.
Today I recognize that 'white knight in shining armor' crap that runs through my head during difficult times, and I don't act on it. I can honestly say that doesn't enter my mind nearly as much anymore!
I hope this helps a little!
:ghug2 :ghug2