Iwanttoheal

Thank you Mike, this is very, very helpful.

I spent a lot of time a month ago looking at the abuse I and my brother experienced as children. I accepted that the abuse was very, very bad. As a child, my role in this was passive, non-challenging - it had to be to ensure my safety and survival. Yes, oh yes, I definitely learnt to listen and obey.

Just working my way through this....

As an adult, I moved away from the physical abuse and neglect but because I was still in contact with them, the verbal and psychological abuse continued. I tried to counteract this by restricting my contact with my alcoholic family more and more until I couldn't control my contact any more and reached my own bottom.

I've never thought about their everyday voices as being abusive but it is the same dynamic - I gave their voices power because that is what I learnt as a child - I learnt to obey. That is why, when I did the opposite of what they wanted I always felt as if I was in the wrong, I never could be at ease with my own decisions until they were appeased.

It explains so much - it explains why I always dropped everything when they called. It explains why my mother who used to use physical and verbal force to get me to comply as a child, switched to emotional manipulation and passive agressive behaviours to get me to comply as an adult. And she was so successful in these behaviours because I adopted my learnt passive, submissive behaviour and listened in order to obey.

Thanks Mike, you have helped me lot today. I can also rest easy because my husband and I are not exposing our children to these damaging dynamics.

IWTHxxx