Kellster, My daughter was just turned 19 when a "friend" introduced her to snorting heroin. She played with the fire and believed Ithink that she was in control. When she started getting scared of what was happening, 5 months later, the drugs were in full control. That's when she told me. I spent the next few months trying to "help" her and truly lost myself very quickly. I started to understand a little more about my part in the dance and found help for myself when she went to rehab. After her first overdose I came to the realization, when she went back out, that yes she definitely could die - she almost had and yet still used. As she kept struggling with trying recovery but not fully surrendering, I had to fully surrender myself. I was definitely powerless over controling her or her addiction. I could not follow her around 24-7 to be sure she didn't use. I could not make her life and mine a living hell with MY insanity. I had to let go and trust in her higher power and mine. It was difficult and I had to grieve...I had to face that reality and know that no matter what I did, it didn't matter.
Taking that step helped both of us. My daughter knew this was her battle and she worked hard to try to beat her addiction. I started to find myself again and I know she was relieved because she felt terrribly guilty and shamed by how addiction had impacted me and others she loved. As a result, although she would struggle and relapse, she would continue to try and we had some beautiful and memorable times together for 2 more months. In July of 2006, a year after she first picked up, I lost her to an overdose. I know for certain that I could not have prevented that and I know for certain that she is at peace and not suffering. Of course it broke my heart and of course I grieve... we all grieve because of addiction. But I have had to continue to work my recovery and I can tell you that although I will miss my daughter every day I live, I also cherish the time I had with her. I have found some other beautiful things in my life now; I have learned to smile again and yes even laugh. I understand what it is to be spiritual now; I take care of myself; I love simple things and connecting with nature. It all brings me peace and I am going to be okay.
I guess my point is that yes, it happens, but living life in fear of it happening only creates a living hell. I hope you can work on focusing back on you, enjoying your grandchildren and rediscovering the things you loved about life before addiction started seeping into your joy.
