Upside down
I know I've been harping on and on about this topic lately, but I really need to get it out there, to get some more feedback... and to keep it real and present.
I've always been insightful when it comes to other people, but absolutely clueless when I look at myself.
For whatever reason, my self-awareness seems to have taken a gigantic leap recently. It's like masks I never knew I had are simply dropping, without warning, showing me quite clearly the motivations that lay beneath my actions, thoughts, behaviours, both past and present... showing me intentions and feelings that I've never acknowledged, never mind accepted (mostly because I didn't know they were *there* in the 1st place!)
I've been so blind.
Quick example:
I ("Mr Nice Guy") emailed a friend who had been laid off work to see how he was doing, but he never answered... so I shrugged it off and hoped he was okay. Last night, all of a sudden, it dawned on me that I'd only emailed him cos I wanted to jump into bed with him. Sure, I want him to find a job etc., but that's not why I checked on him. I suddenly *knew* what was really going on.
This might seem like no biggie, but it's just one small example of what I've been going through lately. Every single time I think of a situation, I can see right through myself, right through the BS stories I've been feeding myself for years. It's especially hard to swallow when it comes to the big events in my life.
I'm not being too hard on myself - I'm describing what's been happening... All these things.. these sudden insights.. I just know, deep down, that they're true.
It's terrifying, though I'm trying to stay calm, I'm not ashamed to say I'm very scared. It's too much, all at once.