Old 10-03-2009, 10:11 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Iwanttoheal
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by dothi View Post
I think it has to do with unkept promises and learning to pin your hopes on one solution. With my AF, I felt like he held the promise of everything getting better. After all, he sure didn't model empowerment and changing things for yourself. Like him, I had the false belief that change came from somewhere outside.

End point: I think we're trained to deposit our hopes in one place and wait for that return.

Oh yes - this is ringing so many bells with me. Everything was always on hold until AF got sober and WHEN this happened, EVERYTHING would be marvellous. Only AF never took action, he never got sober, he got ill and died. My mother as the non-addicted partner was the so-called sane member of the partnership only she also never took control or took action.

So as parents they never modelled healthy problem-solving behaviours; they modelled endurance of pain and conditioned their children to be victims. They never assumed responsibility and never took appropriate action.

I too have seen the religious aspects of AA and Al-Anon abused. My parents were all too willing to believe it was the disease's fault and that they were "helpless". They were relieved to abscond their personal responsibility and to sit back and wait for help to come from outside themselves. My Mum and Dad used and twisted AA and Al-Anon to absolve themselves of all personal responsibility.

It is important for me to understand and get a handle on the dynamics of unhealthy family relationships and behaviour. I can remember when I wailed to my first counsellor 11 years ago that I didn't know what a good mother was or did. She advised me to model my behaviour on friend's mothers who I knew as a child and really liked and felt safe and happy with. I did this and fingers crossed I have stopped a lot of unhealthy behaviour being modelled to my own children. By increasing my understanding of the more subtle and ingrained unhealthy dynamics of my own family, I can hopefully model more healthy behaviours that lessen the chances of the next generation (my children) repeating the cycle.

I feel my increased understanding is empowering me to make changes in my own behaviour and attitudes and I am so feeling the benefits, IWTHxxx
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