Hi
After browsing for a long while I decided to register which I'm hoping is the first step for me to get sober.
I've always been a drinker, I'm 35 now, but since I started living alone about 5 years ago my drinking seems to be getting steadily worse. I'm just beginning to realise that it's affecting every area of my life and being honest I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't affecting my finances just the way it is. When I actually add up the amount of money I'm spending every month when leaving other things unpaid it really scares me.
To add to that I'm not going out, It's seriously affecting my work and since beer is my alcohol of choice I'm piling on weight. I'm constantly making excuses to friends (the ones I have left) and letting them down just because I want to stay home and drink.
I drink every day and fool myself that it's ok because I never go over the amount I've regulated for myself. I finish work at 4.30pm, buy 4 cans of beer and a pack of cigarettes. Drink the cans, smoke, eat and go to bed. That's it, I do nothing more with my life. Every single night, except on Fridays when I have a 6 pack because I don't have to get up for work the next day.
I'm good at my job, just got promoted but I can feel my addiction slowly causing me problems there. Had an important meeting at work the other day and knew I shouldn't drink the night before but did anyway and just couldn't get it together. I'm sure a work they can probably smell alcohol on me from the night before, maybe it's just paranoia though, the thought of that makes me cringe but it still doesn't stop me.
I justify it all the time though by thinking that although I have to drink during the week, sometimes at the weekend when I haven't had contact with anyone there can be beer in the fridge and I touch it.
I'm so sorry for the long rant but I honestly just don't know what to do. I take medication for depression and it has worked so well before but now that I'm drinking with it it's doing more harm than good. Funny thing is at work and with my friends I'm the upbeat person and the one who makes everyone laugh. I know it sounds crazy but I'm scared to really show what I'm thinking. Some of the people closest to me are going through really hard times right now so I just feel like I can't add to it with my issues (so I'm lumbering you guys instead
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I don't feel ready for something like AA meetings as yet so I suppose I'm just asking for what helps you? I don't want to waste any more of my life, there are so many things I want to do but to get any motivation for myself right now would be a godsend.