Hi faithfully,
I'm truely concerned for your emotional well-being. I looked at this thread, with my mouth hanging open, and I wondered if I should even respond.... the reason: because I can not comprehend where you are at, or why you 'feel' this way.
Then I thought about what you said, and one of the first things was, "I used to come here-- if felt likr some of you 'didn't like me'."
That in itself speaks loudly. Clearly you don't like yourself, othewise you wouldn't need affirmation from people here... or from this very sick man.
A lot of people here --- INCLUDING ME, have done things/said things/ etc. that we are not 'proud of'.... with that being said, I understand there are extremes to all behaviors, including addiction & co-dependency.
Ask yourself some questions, like what are you saying about yourself 'supporting' a MAN financially? What are you saying about yourself, by 'aiding' a person to do drugs, but refuses medical treatment that is CLEARLY needed? Obviously you aren't sleeping in a bed with a man that is filled with boils, and his flesh is rotting with infection.... what about YOUR health? what are YOU GETTING OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP?
Perhaps you don't want to 'see' that this is absolutly out of control. Your refusal to take some AUTHENTIC responsiblity and accountablity for YOUR PART in all of this, is ultimately going to cause YOU to be ill.... frankly I think you are already.
A blind person could see that sitting by and feeling held prisoner by a man who is letting his body rot away, is utterly unhealthy. Furthermore, what kind of SICK, SICK individual would ask you to witness this??
He is dead wrong in asking/expecting/ etc......... but for some reason, YOU taught him that this is all you are worth. (Sitting by and watching him use drugs and rot away).
Faithfully, I would seriously seek out some professional help for YOU, before it's too late. I'm quite sure that you can't see what you are doing to yourself.
Can you even imagin having a 'normal' person in your life? Having a partner, who can go to the beach with you, or out to the movies? Take you to dinner, and a comedy show, and laugh till you cry? You are dyeing right now, instead of LIVING.
Try to see, what people here are telling you. DON'T take it as criticizm, but an EYE OPENER.
Try to keep posting, even if you hear things you might now want to hear.... it's only going to HELP YOU!!
Hugs,
Cessy