Taz, I don't mean to be--heck I can't think of the word--but I'm not trying to be difficult. But does that mean I should change myself until I have friends here? I don't understand. Even if I leave, I'm going to not have friends?
I'm ruined? That's what I honestly suspected until I went on a trip this summer, and hung out with more people in a week than I have over four years in California. Usually if it's a pattern, it's you. But in this case, I don't feel it is. And a couple of my teachers back me up on that one.
I know about the drinking, that'll follow me. And I don't know what got into me to take the pills. But I'm starting to despair that I can't do this without a support system of any kind--I get better and then I get bored. So, assuming I don't overdo it till June, and knowing I will by normal standards, I'm referring to nonreversible ones, I might move somewhere more hospitable. I don't really know. I still haven't had a free day to get to that meeting you suggested. Maybe I'll go and walk home tonight. Only about as dangerous as those stupid pills.
I hope having nobody to talk to doesn't follow me though. That would make live unbearable forever. The only thing keeping me going any type of way is that I get to leave in June... not being able to leave in June will leave me with few, if any, reasons to stop drinking, to be honest. I've been three/four years without human company, and I get to see others interact all day long. And I interact, but with people on a surreal kind of plane. They don't know me and if I mention anything about me (I got bold this week... mentioned something to someone I work closely with--nothing about all this, or that serious really--got a quizzical look and "yeah, that's not important. what do you think about...") It's slowly killing me... right alongside the whiskey.
I'm going back away now, I get the picture in general, and thanks to everybody. I just signed in 'cause this question was nagging at me.