There is always hope Amelie. This time last year I couldn't see a future for me other than clutching at the fleeting euphoria/numbness/loss of reality of my next binge. I was hopelessly depressed and felt like I had wasted such a promising life and I was resigning myself to a life of sadness and alcoholism TBH. I used to think "well at least that makes me happy, if only for a few hours; I'd rather take that than nothing at all"
My binges were getting heavier and my behaviour/emotions more and more extreme and I couldn't see a way of how I could have a future as I always knew that no matter what I did there would always be a binge around the corner and then I would be bed-ridden/mentally F*cked and back to square one. I was banned from driving (2years for drink driving) I had been arrested for cocaine possesion and in a job in which I hated and merely lived for finishing Friday and getting wasted to forget about life basically. Shortly after that I quit my job before I was disciplined for missing work when still binging etc and was unemployed and in a mess. The next 7months basically consisted of short periods of hoping for a future without booze only to be brought crashing down again a couple of weeks later after a massive bender and total despair. I couldn't see a way how I could not have my best friend (booze) in my life. It took me 3 separate spells in AA meetings and much posting here to finally reach where I am now. I remember my last binge well. I had 5 days in 7 completely wasted on booze/drugs and hanging out with people who I would never hang around with when sober. I was ashamed of myself. I went down to London to see an old friend and spent 3 days solidly smashed without sleep. The low that I felt when coming down was well and truly my "moment of clarity"; I knew I had to get out and commit 100% to total abstinance from booze or likely be dead in the next 5 years. I am 23 BTW.
Now I feel positivity about my future and my life is sooo different. I have a lovely car which I am proud to drive. I feel alert/positive and relatively happy (what is happiness anyway?) and most of all I am not ashamed of myself anymore. I am doing well at my new job and I am going to be applying to go back to University next Sept. I feel like the person that I was at 15 years old again. A person who is respected by people and achieves at a high level in what he does. I have my passion for music back again and have been performing gigs over the last few months.
I love not having to worry about the total insanity and uncertainty of my future anymore. I know my destiny is in my own hands now and not in the hands of a chemical.
I love being sober "one day at a time" 86 days sober today. It really is worth it and the results will speak for themselves. I feel at peace once again.
Peace and Love xxx