Relapsed after Mom's death
Hi, and I'd like to say "it's good to be back," but it's not--it sucks and it hurts and I need to find a meeting and a sponsor.
I started to identify my problem/issue with alcohol five years ago after the birth of my first daughter; another Christian friend had real freedom to indulge in "the fruit of the vine" as she called it, and invited me to join her and another gal for a glass of wine out on the porch with our babies...I drank half the glass and was terrified; after being sober during my pregnancy, I now had to figure our my relationship with alcohol as a fairly new Christian and now a Mommy. This friend and I eventually talked about my issue with alcohol, and I went to about five AA meetings to try and find out if I am really an alcoholic. For a while, I thought I was. I started reading the Big Book and actually embraced the process; then, gradually, I convinced myself otherwise!
My story starts when I gave my life to Christ (on my kitchen floor) as I realized that I could not control alcohol; it controlled me and almost cost me my marriage; then, I survived the past 12 years w/o any out-of-control binge drinking.
Over the years, however, I attempted controlled drinking more and more frequently--"Oh, I can have a glass of wine with my husband..." and "Hey, even Susan drank some wine at dinner..." then, "Oops, I got a bit tipsy! He he he..." and "Two glasses is ok, it's with dinner..." Started becoming a connaseur (sp?) again, shared a couple of beers with my husband on vacation...drank with the husband and a friend, almost kissed the friend, oh, but I haven't drank any liquor...
So Mom died April 18, and I have been drunk three times since then. The last time, I got totally out-of-control blacked-out wasted, said the 'f' word over and over again just because I liked saying it (and loudly) in front of many of my peers/colleagues/ constituents, asked people for pot, cried on a shoulder, and propositioned someone to do it in the woods. Out of control.
My Mom died in April; in hindsight, I'm surprised that all this didn't happen sooner! I stopped seeking God, and went into denial about Mom's death; almost had an affair and ruined my life because that type of pain was more tolerable than the pain of losing Mom. Received God's and my husband's forgiveness for my indiscretions, and now I am here.
Even after the last 'binge,' I continued sipping the wine (even in midday) and drank one of my husband's beers once the wine was gone. I have gone through the jitters over the past day and a half and am craving a drink terribly; my God is an Awesome God, though, and He promises, "Draw near to Me, and I will draw near to you."
So much for an eloquent first post! Thank you for 'listening." I have enjoyed reading many of the posts here and look forward to learning and growing more.