Learn2Live

Hey Queenie Sweetie, :ghug2

First, thanks for the laugh about the TV! I hope it was a BIG, LOUD event when you destroyed it. I am giggling at the picture of you smashing it. Felt good didn't it? Way to go, I'm with ya' sister. I LOVE to smash things when I'm angry. Pumpkins are safer to smash than things made of glass though. And much less to clean up cause you can smash them outside.

On a more serious note, it makes me feel good that something I say makes sense AND is helpful! :O) So thank you for the reply. I can only answer for myself and how and what I am learning, practicing and trying.

I understand that you wish you had known this kind of thing earlier. I often feel like that! Kinda' like when I got diagnosed with ADHD at age 40. I was so ANGRY and pained when I finally understood WHY I AM THE WAY I AM and how much EASIER my life could have been if I had only KNOWN this and therefore would have been able to make accommodations in my life in order to compensate in practical, planned ways, for my disabilities and weird ways of doing and not doing things. I remembered ALL the frustrations, all the people I had pi$$ed off, all the YEARS I truly suffered from this disability that were WASTED.

I let the anger last a few hours. I called my brother and vented and cried about my frustrations and losses. I called my girlfriend and vented and cried about my lost opportunities and effects on my past relationships. Then I sat with myself and cried. Then I decided what I would do about it in the future. Then, I went to sleep. I haven't felt sad or angry or anything about it since.

So,

1. Feel your feelings.
2. Get them out (emote / release the feelings) but in a HEALTHY thoughtful way. Like go out and buy yourself a couple pumpkins (healthy and cheap compared to TVs) to prepare for future anger (this is you being thoughtful) and not glass objects (unhealthy to smash your TV because you could get glass in your eye AND you would have to buy a new one). Smash the pumpkins and scream at them. Alternatively, join a gym and get your frustrations out 20 minutes a day 3 times a week.
3. Now you feel better because you released the feelings instead of penting them up inside of you. AND you directed them at an inanimate object and NOT A PERSON or his belongings, AND you didn't get glass in your eye. (Nobody got hurt)
4. Go to sleep.

The way I look at your frustration about the timeliness of this lesson is this: Life is a journey. We don't know how long it will last. And we don't know what we will see along the way. When you are READY to take another path off the main road you have been following, you are ready. NOT BEFORE. There was something the universe HAD to bring you Queenie to experience and to learn from, in order to get to THIS point in your journey. This is the process of self-actualization.

For me, all my life, I kept walking along the path, many times wanting to give up because I have always been so AFRAID of what was around the corner. Seems everything life brought me has been so very painful. Many times I have wanted to STOP the journey out of the pain and suffering that I keep experiencing. At 42 I now realize the problem is not that the journey is painful, it is that I keep taking the SAME path off my main road (which leads to alcoholism, addiction, codependency, infidelity, etc).

Sorry, did I get off topic? (ADHD)

As for knowing whether or not a need or want should or could be met by another person...I have the sense that you may be putting the cart before the horse. Are you asking specifically because you want to determine whether or not it is reasonable to expect something from someone else in fulfillment of your needs, such as a "current" relationship with an addict?

If so, you have much more work to do on YOURSELF before you can apply these things in a relationship. Not only that, RELATIONSHIPS with other people are not a means to an end, which lots of people use them for. Relationships are merely experiences given to you in order for you to PRACTICE what you learn about yourself and want to try out next.

With each new relationship, no matter what kind, you have the opportunity to learn more and more about yourself and use that knowledge to continue down the road. You learn the lessons you learn, look at the results of your past ways of thinking and behaving, then you make conscious changes to think and behave in more healthy ways.

The question for you really is not what kind of needs and wants you can reasonably expect others to meet, but (1) what are your needs and wants at the current time? and (2) do you have the ability to meet them yourself?

Every one is different. But think of children. From age 0-5 most are unable to meet most of their own needs. But by the age of 5 they are capable of doing LOTS of things to sustain themselves. They can feed themselves, make a PBJ sandwich with a butter knife, dress themselves, put on their shoes, etc. They may not do a great job of it but they CAN do these things (dependent upon their own unique abilities).

At what point do you, as a parent, decide that they need help? If the child's clothes are inside out, do they need your help to redress them and make them "right"? Apply the same to all the rest of the things the 5-year old is capable of. Does the parent really need to "fix" what the child has done or is doing in order to make it "right"? My personal answer for all of it would be No, as long as there is no harm coming to the child who cares if the peanut butter and jelly are on the outside of the sandwich, who cares if the clothes are skewed, etc?

Queenie, you are so much MORE CAPABLE of fulfilling your own needs and wants for yourself and your life than ANYONE else. You are probably just not accustomed to thinking this way. I think that is Anvil's point. A person who strives toward self-actualization and self-sufficiency is an independent person. Some would say that being such a person is the ideal. Interdependence in relationships however are more appealing to me than independence. Every one is different and has different ideals and ideas; like Anvil and I. We agree on many of these points yet our ultimate ideals are different. And that's OK. Thing is, YOU have to determine what is the ideal for YOU.

All those things you listed above, love, respect, understanding, etc are good things and yes, reasonable. However, you are asking in the context of a RELATIONSHIP. FIRST, you must address YOURSELF. Do you love, respect, understand, and forgive yourself? Without regard to anyone else, do you fulfill your own needs and wants? You cannot have a healthy, interdependent "romantic" relationship with another human being unless and until you are healthy and fulfilling your own needs and wants first. A healthy romantic relationship IS an interdependent one where BOTH people are self-actualizing to their own abilities and each is able to sustain himself independent of the other. I know this all sounds wishy-washy and all but it is real.

You MUST give to yourself those things you have been trying to get from other people in "relationships". If you do not know how, you must learn how. Then you must try. You must do this all the while continuing to practice these things in your life, all while having relationships with others. It is difficult and painful to go thru this but IT IS SO WORTH IT! The prize at the end of a self-actualizing life is much better than even an all-expenses-paid two weeks vacation at a luxury resort and spa in Aruba in the dead of winter!

For starters, you may want to Google "Abraham Maslow Hierarchy of Needs" and read about self-actualization. Start at the bottom of the pyramid that Maslow developed and ask yourself if you are fulfilling those needs for yourself and your life. If so, if YOU are doing the work and paying for those things yourself, move up to the next level. For each level, evaluate your ABILITIES to meet those needs and whether or not you are doing so on your own.

I also recommend a book written by a woman named Regina Thomashauer. You can maybe get it at the library but don't take it TOO seriously. I enjoyed reading it because it was written in a way that sounded like it was my big sister who wrote it. And it was funny! Her theories are RIGHT ON. But she does have some weird sexual ideas that I disagreed with so I just ignored them. The book is called "Mama Gena's Owner's and Operator's Guide to Men." I got mine on Amazon for about $5. It really helped me (other than the sexual stuff like I said).

You may also want to Google and read about "Interdependence" or "Interdependent relationships".

Take care. Be good to yourself. Sorry this was so long...I have a lot on my mind.