Originally Posted by Learn2Live

Covington,

I hope you don't feel bad about what you now realize you have been doing. I've done it too and I'm sure I still do it in certain circumstances. A lot of Recovery is about becoming conscious and aware of what we have been and still do (unconsciously and automatically) in our lives.

Awareness of what you are doing is half the battle! So good for you! Here's what I have been trying to teach myself and practice:

1. Admit you have a problem with manipulating others. Going forward, for me, this also means that I accept that I am not always right, even if I am the clean and sober one.

2. When dealing with others, don't react right away. For me, the automatic reaction is often anger. I believe I have used and sometimes still use angry outbursts to make people do what I want them to do. I have also used tears, begging, threatening, and proclamations of, "You just don't love me" or "You just don't care about me" or expressing my loyalty to them, and "All the things I have done for you and THIS is how you treat me?!" Teach yourself to just step back and LISTEN.

3. Examine your initial (withheld) reaction to the other person, examine what you are feeling, and breathe. It is OK to say nothing and do nothing.

4. Ask yourself what it really is you think you want or need from this person.

5. Decide whether or not it is the other person's responsibility to fulfill your want or need. You may also want to ask yourself if it is healthy for you to want or need another person to give you these things.

6. If it is neither their responsibility, nor healthy for you, say nothing and do it yourself.

7. If it is reasonable and healthy for you to expect them to fulfill this want or need, ASK them to help you.

Book to read: Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward

Hope something here helps. Doing this is not easy and is often painful so I suggest, as always, Al-Anon and other social support.

P.S. It is also helpful to at some point to begin to develop a sense of appreciation and gratitude for the positive attributes of the significant others in our lives. And yes, even the alcoholics and addicts.

Because when you relate to people with appreciation and gratitude for who they are and what they have done and may continue to do for us, and shift our focus away from the negativity, we become more confident in ourselves and the decisions we make. It's works kind of like the old saying "Two wrongs do not make a right." What it really comes down to is this: Live your life and deal with others with INTEGRITY.