Oh My matty. I know how you feel to a point.
You already know how I feel about counting days. So now I have to question whether it is for the same reasons. I feel alot of pressure from counting days. But I think thats from not wanting to fail and start that clock over again and again. Cause that is what I am use to.
I too have no problem admitting my screw ups. And I couldnt even really tell you my clean date. Not exactly.
I dont hink it is so much fear of success. As it is maybe like me. It seems when thigns go good it is only a matter of time before I fall again. So has been my pattern. I either get too complacent and screw up thinking I am fine. Or I let my guard down and think, I have been doing so good. One time wont hurt and it wont even be a problem. We all know that is BS.
It always seems for me that when things go really well, I get it in my mind that its safe. It will never be completely safe.
We are so use to walking on egg shells all the time. That I think its weird for us to be ok with where we are. To not feel some kind of worry or anxiety.
Its like if I relax at any moment it will all go to ****.
But since I have been feeling this whatever it is that snapped a few months ago. And its still goin strong!! I can be ok with myself. I dont obsess about using or not using anymore. I can get my paycheck and the first thing that pops in my mind isnt gettin ghigh or resisiting it.
I think you just come to a place where it just happens. Without even relizing it.
And then just run with it.
There is no pressure for anything anymore.
Because my obsession is gone.
I will be honest and say that you are very guarded sometimes. Geez how long did it take me to know where you are. It was like where in the world is matty..LOL
But we are naturally like that. Especially given the situation and atmosphere.
I think you should be more open. I love ya matty. And you are always so honest and caring when you are giving your support. How bout doing that with yourself?
I know you are doing so good. Enjoy it and be proud. There is nothing to be scared of. his is why we get sober. To be happy and successful in whatever our hearts desire.