Bam
I've really come to appreciate you.
I was raised with all that stuff too. I came to the conclusion that being human precluded my comprehending god. Explaining that would take a book...
So, I'm not an atheist. I don't think I'm a true agnostic. In some sense I am a theist who simply cannot accept any religion. After all, religions are human constructs. I became comfortable with the notion that I would leave earth the same way I arrived--ingnorant.
I do respect many people of faith, however. Those who live with and embody a caring and forgiving god. Me? I just try to live each day as if there were a loving god. First, do no harm...make the world just a little bit better because I'm here. For now.
Most religions have at their core certain fundamental belifs. One seems to be self perpetuation. A monopoly on the truth. A belief that there's "them" and "us." But also, most religions seem to espouse forgiveness. And perhaps we need to forgive them for what they did to us as kids.
Fables and fairy tales are ancient. They were created to scare the bejeezus out of kids and as a means of behavior control. "Don't go in the woods by yourself." Thus, much of the "stuff" we came to "believe" as kids, via our church really did serve to protect us from immoral and hurtful behavior. And I think we need to look at those things in the context of the times. Sadly, I cannot imagine a church in the 50's espousing gay rights and freedom of sexuall expression. The intent, I think, was to protect us from what was considered a nightmare at the time. A child who "became" gay.
That was the deeply held belief at the time, Bam. That is what I believed until, in my 20's, I came to have many gay friends. And then the gay people of courage who took enormous risks to educate the rest of us. We have made extraordinary progress. I wouldn't look for a gay bar in Tehran any time soon, but I do think the mass of "Western people" accept that gender identification is not a choice.
Any therapist worth their salt will have encountered clients with these deep seeded conflicts. Therapy is a two way street. You have every right to challenge your therapist. That's why so much counseling is done within the church. But your not in the church. You are in the real world. Every therapist I've ever known has learned as much from me as I have from them.
Perhaps you might focus less on what was "done" to you and more on the effects, and understanding how to counteract them. Forgiving them for being what they sincerely believed in. Stuff changes. Our most powerful effect on the world is what we model, not what we preach. Whether we are gay, straight, Mormon or Muslim. My proudest achievement is in raising 3 kids who seek to include everyone. Find commonality. Expose ********. Stand for human rights. And accept that our differences make us the same.
I truly feel that forgiveness is for us, not the perpetrator. It's not the whole equation, but it allows us, I think, to get past the deed and get on with the healing. When we are continually focused upon the evildoer we are granting them enormous power. I can't do that if I am going to heal. I must focus upon the evil itself, recognize it for what it is, recover, and make certain I perpetrate no evil. It is only then that I will serve a god of my understanding.
warren