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Old 09-26-2009, 06:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
serenitea
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 27

I am finally here.


Well - I am finally here - it is saturday evening and I am on day 6 of not drinking. I am a mother of a 1 year old girl - and have been trying to manage my drinking for waaaay too long. I guess I am a functioning drinker - have a job, child, married, friends, hobbies, play sports, etc but I feel that I have been living this lie for so long. I don't start to drink until the baby is in bed and then it is 1,2,3...4...4 1/2.. drinks a night (weekdays) then more weekend nights. I read somewhere where it said it is not the amount but how you feel when you drink - lately I really feel like I just want to keep going. I gulp those first glasses and then try to hard to think of ways to sneak in a few more w/o people noticing too much. I was putting so much effort and time into it every night. I would leave just a little at the end of each bottle so it did not seem like I was finishing the wine bottle every night.
Or my latest trick was to have one beer and then the wine.
Then morning come and I would feel so -ugh- sluggish, tired, wiped out - blame it on the baby or something.

So - last Sunday I just decided to stop. Stop it all. no more "well we are hosting a small party friday night so I will have a little" or just Thursday-Saturday drinking which leads to Wed-Sat, Tues-Sun.. etc.
I am doing it for my health - for how I feel like I am wasting all these years feeling crappy so I can have a couple hours at night of 'happiness'. My dad is a big drinker. He becomes a complete jerko when he drinks and here I am with my daughter.. I have a HUGE family history of drinking/alcoholism and here I am tempting it. I drank all thru high school, college and in my twenties that was probably the worst. Now I am in my late thirties and I have slowed down but I am still battling it. It is SO MUCH ENGERY to live this way.

So here I am now - Saturday night - feel tired and I want to just cry and how easy it would be to just have a drink and make it all go away and be 'happy'.

But I decided instead to write this long (rambling) post. Thanks for listening this website has been sooooo helpful.
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