Hi biravatch - I'm so glad you found SR & came here for help & understanding. No one else in my life could know what I was going through. When I found this place I wasn't alone anymore and it made all the difference to me. All I'd been doing was bashing myself - filled with remorse and guilt. When I had it pointed out to me that I'd get nowhere with that attitude I changed the way I looked at my life & future.
Please don't give up on yourself. You say you don't want to die - I never did either. I just didn't want to live my life sober - or so I told myself at the time! I didn't even know if I could, after all the years I'd spent being numb. I had painted myself into a corner of misery. I knew I'd die if I didn't give it up, and I wasn't through with this world yet. It felt so strange to be sober in the beginning, I hardly knew how to react to anything. I had to learn all over again how to use my emotions & feelings in a positive way rather than reaching for a drink to calm me down.
I hope you'll continue to post and let us know how you are - if I could drag myself up out of hell after 25 yrs. you can too. We're with you.