relapse
Hello brothers and sisters,
In 2001, I had become addicted to various nonprescribed medications. I didn't drink until a doctor told me that if I mixed alcohol with the medications I was abusing I could die. Well, with my typical addict thinking, I decided that such dire warnings were only issued to keep people from doing something that was REALLY fun. I added alcohol to the mix. I wasn't prescribed the medicines I was taking (uppers, downers, and sidewaysers) and I came to see that there would be no way I could steal enough of the medicines to eventually keep me from going into withdrawal so I entered a treatment program.
I loved my program. I developed a loving support system. I had a deep relationship with my higher power, such that I truly believed I was being heard when I prayed. I did my fifth step with my sponsor. Had a home group, did service work.
I won't describe how I left my meetings or lost my god, because all these things are excuses. But, over the years, I began occasionally having a drink or two or a hit of pot while on vacation. Now, I have recently gotten drunk at home by myself several times. What is odd is that I don't even really like the feeling. I am afraid that I will begin buying enough booze to wake up with a hangover which scares the crap out of me. It is a struggle NOT to buy the alcohol.
When I was in my treatment center, a dear companion in my journey did service work by giving away chips at a meeting. I went with her as a support and got my ninth month chip from her. She relapsed and suicided. I feel like I should have been able to remain sober in her memory, so that the chip she gave me continued to mean something. I hope that's not too maudlin for you all, but I am so sad.
kristin p.s. can't get spell check to work, pardon any misspellings.