utting rjmano back together again..
Hi all, I've been hanging around this site now for about 6 months. I'm 33 years old, male, and have been drinking continuously since I was 16ish. Played all sorts of sports when I was younger; hockey, golf, soccer, baseball, etc., generally excelled when I wanted to. In all, I had a happy childhood so nothing to complain about there.
Went to college, got good marks when I decided to try, and landed excellent jobs. Everything seemed to be going great until about 6 years ago until I went back to college for a second degree. Started drinking more and more and more. At first, 6-10 beers at night, 4-6 days a week. Some nights quite a bit more. I remember waking up some mornings and counting 18-20 beer cans - this scared me because I didn't realize that I could drink so much. Anyways, this continued for years. I knew I had a problem at that time but wasn't suffering major consequences. I became more withdrawn, lost interest in everthing, my dreams evaporated and my relationships began to crumble. Like I said, I knew alcohol was a problem, but I didn't see the connection to my personality/lifestlye changes and excessive drinking.
In the past 3 years, I took drinking up a notch. Blackouts became frequent. Lived in the big city, made lots of money. Ended up spending it all on booze and strippers (which I'm ashamed to admit - pathetic). Eventually quit my job and took a job in another city. Things started to catch up with me as I took drinking up another notch. Got a DUI (more shame, could have got one for each day of the week) and was thrown in prison for breach of probation a few days after pleading guilty to the DUI. Missed a bunch of meetings at work while I was in jail, people were wondering where I was, couldn't exactly call/email-in sick lol. Came clean with everyone and was fired a month later. I'm okay with this since I was finally honest with everyone about everything.
I'm now committed to a life of abstinence and sobriety. Attend AA meetings almost daily and generally enjoy the program. There are a lot of different meetings where I live so I like to switch things up. Been sober since early July except for a two-day relapse.
I'm also trying to pick up the pieces of my "life". I feel fortunate to have the opportunity to live sober. I'm no different than someone locked up for years for killing while drinking and driving. I was just lucky - thank god for that and for the safety and lives of the poor people who shared the road with me...
I'm also "feeling" things that I don't particularly like to feel and don't have much experience with - shame, guilt, fear, and generally low self-esteem/confidence. I've always felt okay about myself until the last couple of years so this is new to me. I know people make mistakes and I too am only human. However, I have moments where I feel like a massive failure. I just want to do the right things in life and discover the joy of living once more.
Rambling I know, but thanks for reading.
Rob
